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Kardashian Wedding 101


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Well on Tuesday and Wednesday night E! screened the most anticipated wedding of the week, no the  month, no the year, no the decade, no the century, no, in like forever! That is right, I sat down and watched the lead up and the wedding of Kim Kardashian to Kris Humphries with my 20 year old brother who spent the whole two nights complaining about how all he wanted to watch was a show on Quick Trim and not have it interrupted with some wedding show (ahhh yep). He is totally smitten with Kim and wants me to put it out there that if things do not work out for the newlywed couple (and according to tabloids it seems to be staggering along), that he would jump in to woo her and it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch as he is also tall and his name is also Chris (he would change it to a K apparently). Kim if you are reading this forgive him he is only 20 years old.

So whilst watching the shows I began to think about all the tabloids I have seen regarding the wedding and aftermath. Kinda like reading the last page of the Twilight saga. The $20,000 cake that was reportedly thrown out, the incredibly luxe gift registry, the ceremony, quickie honeymoon, rumoured pregnancy, right through to where they are now sleeping in separate beds because Kris is a snorer. Really. How can I now sum up the media event in one article? I know! I’ll put together a Kardashian Wedding 101 should anyone out there want to replicate the Kardashian experience…

Congratulations on your engagement. You had rose petals, miniature ponies and a $2 million ring and moths in your wallet. Where do you go from there? You now have to choose a date and announce it by being carried into your mother’s office to drop the bomb. You figure that three months is adequate time for your mum to throw a shindig together for a few hundred odd people and deal with her own image insecurities at the same time (the clips of the plastic surgery made me a bit squeamish). Just point out (with a sly look to the camera behind her) that your younger sister gave her just nine days to put together a wedding so this should be a walk in the park, just take that wedding and times it by gazillion billion trillion! No pressure at all…

Along the way argue and find fault with your fiancé some points you may like to use:

  • Letting the dogs in the bed,
  • Brushing your teeth too hard,
  • Turning up late for the gift registry and then have the audacity to criticise you and your mother’s taste in home décor,
  • Him playing with a toy helicopter outside whilst the women are trying to sort out the seating chart,
  • The fact he keeps a Beenie Bear given to him by his grandfather and criticising him for having family photos and terrible ensconces in the bedroom,
  • Taking his time to sort out the flights for the Pastor, and
  • Bag out his hometown whilst shopping for groceries.

Pick three Vera Wang dresses to wear on your wedding day, and have your sister make a dreadful toast at your engagement party who starts off by decreeing that the Witch is dead, and then saying that their mum is dead. Nice! Khloe and my hubby share the incredible knack for making terrible speeches and toasts for sure! At some stage ban a family member from your wedding and then kiss and make up at the Hens Party. Completely take over and book venue, ceremony, flowers etc. with your mother, leaving your man to feel totally deflated, but I am sure he liked his pedicure. Despite telling him you will take his name, after much thought the Hump Rope does not sound like a viable money maker and as such spring on him in front of the JP that you are keeping to your maiden name, utterly crushing him. During the rehearsal dinner make death threats to him. Despite this my brother still said he would marry Kim! Make sure you have a moment to remember your father and have your step dad comfort you (I really like Bruce Jenner, he is such a great dad and it did make me teary when she cried for her dad) and then step back and realise in front of the cameras what this wedding is really all about – Me!

The three months have rolled on and now you are ready to get married! Enjoy getting ready, dripping in diamonds all eyes are on you as you glide down the aisle to Gigantic Man. Have a sweet and touching ceremony and then photos and meeting up with your family. Now kick off the reception packed with celebrities and Lindsay Lohan. Dance the night away, change into your other two dresses and then whisk away to Italy. Oh and the whole time you are going through the wedding planning make sure you have time to turn and have a deep and meaningful with the camera crew.

As for the guy, well the best advice is to just hand your manhood over because the Kardashian women run the show and no amount of complaining is going to change it, you will still have to shave off your moustache before you walk down that aisle.

All in all I have to say when it comes to pulling of the extravagant wedding Kris Jenner truly is a master at the art. Even managing time to go in for a face lift, she threw a lavish fairy tale wedding day for her second daughter and she did it exceptionally well. I was very impressed with how amazing the whole thing looked. With any celebrity wedding you take it with a pinch of salt, but there is always a part in me where I really do hope they go the distance. My younger brother on the other hand is going to hold out hope until either the German girl in his uni class realises she wants him or Kim Kardashian comes out to Australia to mend a broken heart of which Chris will only be too happy to help her with!



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